Hurt

Said goodbye to my personal sanity today, after a surprising diagnosis of huge spots on his lungs that tested out not to be infectious.  Took him in for a check up and the doctor immediately asks how long he'd been having problems breathing.  Long story short, after three hours at the office, he tested negative for all of the feline leukemia ailments, infections, was administered Lasiks because of fluid around his heart and then x-rayed.  They could not see his heart for a mass of growths in his lungs.  Most likely cancerous.

I've screamed.  I've lost it a few times.  I've tried to convince myself it's true (so I'm at least up to Denial).  The hardest part was gathering up his food & water dishes for washing and tossing his purr pad in the washer for a spin.  It's only been a few hours, but I continue to glance toward the back of the couch, the credenza at the window and everywhere else he used to chill.  The bare spot on the kitchen floor is painful, as is the empty room where the box resided.

I met this particular feline almost a year before my sister-in-law asked me to bring him home with me, she already had the entire crazy cat lady set.  The first time I saw him, he jumped onto the hood of my car and immediately slid down and off.  Looked up at me like "I meant to do that" and jumped back on the hood.  Same result.  He lived outside during that time until I finally brought him home.  

The first discovery was that he had been declawed.  Otherwise, every plastic garbage bag hanging over trash cans in our home would have been shredded.  And yes, he'd been altered as well.  He had the personality of someone who had been hurt and betrayed when we met, but after a couple of weeks of explaining to us HIS boundaries, we co-existed in peace.  Weeks later, he's sleeping on the foot of my bed and following me around like a puppy.  He was also quit adept at sneaking up behind you, grabbing one of your legs with his front paws and biting it.  Used to be a bloody mess, but he figured it out after a while and stopped randomly chomping on the back of my leg.

Karen was another story.  She could walk by him and he'd attack her, and I think it was because she didn't acknowledge his presence as she passed.  Someone suggested that perhaps he didn't like women, which knowing what little as I do about his past, I agree it's a real possibility.  He'd sneak up on Pam and get her too.

I'm feeling much better now, thank you interwebs.  Even if not a single human reads this, it's been a moment of good memories that I so badly need right now.  Guess I'll drop a pic of him here as well.  We called him Mr. Cat, Kato the Ninja Attack Cat and "Bootsy".  One crazy loving buddy I'll miss the rest of my life.  Godspeed old friend.